You’ve probably heard stereotypes and myths such as:
- Women are too emotional.
- Men are cold are logical.
- Women talk more than men.
- Men don’t like ‘talking about feelings’.
In bedroom matters, these false beliefs can become a barrier to intimacy. For example, men who are wary to discuss ‘emotional matters’ are unlikely to talk about their bedroom performance.
Yes, they’ll happily share locker room tips on how to last longer in bed, but they forget their gym buddies aren’t anywhere near their own bedrooms. Meaning if a man is going to talk about performance, he’s better off talking to the person that’s in the bedroom with him. Unfortunately, that’s often the last person he wants to share his performance issues with.
Opening the (bedroom) doors
What’s even more problematic is the stalemate this creates. Bedroom problems have very little to do with stamina, and that’s what ‘the boys’ focus on when they’re discussing their sexual technique. They assume there’s some kind of magic trick that will stop them from experiencing premature ejaculation. In reality, the problem is largely in their own heads.
For example, a man who thinks his penis is too small is unlikely to be confident in bed. But if he simply talked to his partner, he’d soon realise his penis is the same size as her previous partners. He may even be surprised to learn that porn stud he’s envying isn’t what his partner admires. Porn star proportions are often intimidating and downright terrifying to the average female.
So for a couple that’s dissatisfied with their sex life, communication is the first step. But before that can happen, there needs to be a space of trust. They – especially the man – need to know they can speak honestly and openly without facing judgement.
Reassure each other
When a man ‘comes too soon’ or is unable to get an erection, his partner feels unattractive and suspicious. The man needs to assure his girl she’s still as beautiful and sexy as ever. He needs to help her believe he hasn’t lost interest, and he’s not seeing someone else. For her part, the woman needs to tell her man she still sees him as a man, even though his performance was unable to bring either of them to climax. He needs to know she still admires and respects him.
Next, they need to gently explore any emotional barriers to intimacy. This requires empathy and softness. For example, if he says he was uncomfortable when he saw her flirting with her boss, her neighbour, or his best friend, she needs to hear him without laughing, dismissing his concerns, or minimising his insecurity. That’ll make him shut down and stop talking.
These conversations are tough to have, because it’s easy to take things personally. The couple could consider speaking to a couples’ therapist or sex expert. The counsellor will act as a mediator, helping them focus on the issue and avoid attacking each other below the belt.
Counsellors are trained at getting to core relationship issues, so they’re certainly helpful in this situation. Other times, the sexual problem arises from undiagnosed injuries and medical conditions. These range from heart ailments to torn muscle, so talk openly for best results.